So when people leave, I’ve learned the secret: let them. Because, most of the time, they have to.
Let them walk away and go places. Let them have adventures in the wild without you. Let them travel the world and explore life beyond a horizon that you exist in. And know, deep down, that heroes aren’t qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return.
today was interesting. (and by interesting i mean it’s probably in your best interest to skip over this post as i babble and rant about things irrelevant to your life). went to the gym at 8 am; i’ve become a hardcore early bird waking up usually around 7 everyday naturally. i pounded out all my thoughts over sets of crunches, weights, and the elliptical, my new best friend. it’s a he. and he’s the only one who can handle all my energy nowadays. we kinda squeak together sometimes when i get an adrenaline rush, if ya know what i mean ;). sorry. enough bullshit. then i kinda sorta had another teenage angst moment listening to a bunch of old punk rock music. i’m 21 but i don’t think i will ever lose this phase. after a while of screaming at the top of my lungs, i decided to be productive and reorganize and clean my room. throughout my day, i managed to make myself a wine smoothie slushy, which by the way, if you ever get a chance, you should definitely do it because if you think about it, it’s basically a fucking classy R-rated slurpee. I also cooked a nice simple pasta for dinner while also getting the courage/desire to call various members of my family. I talked to Kenny; that was nice. he didn’t go off ranting about old dramas. It was a tranquil conversation that is sometimes difficult to find with him. Oh! to top it all off, i got another job. i start training on friday. so that’s pretty cool (aside from the fact that i’m basically enslaving myself this summer so i can save a few pennies). but yeah, really, i am excited. tomorrow i have a morning shift as well. i’ll probably go to the gym again, and i’m not gonna lie. i’m probably gonna make myself another strawberry lemonade cocktail. my flatmates are starting to call me an alcoholic which is completely plausible in my case.
still, it’s been a weird day. i hardly doubt i’ll be sleeping during the next hour or so. my mind tends to wander towards subjects i should really just drop but can’t seem to at all. i wish i had one of those sleeping aids from kmart.
alright. thanks for not reading this. keep smiling. stay happy. i hope you get more sleep than i do tonight. i know you deserve it.
monday august 18, 2014
i was on the phone with my sister, who had me on speaker with my mom (without me realizing it…okay, i was kinda buzzed on a strawberry lemonade cocktail).
she asked me what i was doing and i casually told her i was working on a puzzle while getting drunk, warning her that i was becoming an alcoholic and that i was depressed and single as fuck.
suddenly my mom shouts, “OH MY GOD WHAT? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU” and it was the funniest thing because i had to spend the next few minutes convincing her that i have a horrible sense of humor and that i was fine. it was so cute how mad she got so instantly, telling me “don’t you joke like that; i’m serious, you’re going to give me a heart attack!” (oh, and don’t forget my mom has a strong filipino accent).
meanwhile sheilla was laughing her ass off in the background and i was just like, “mom, mom. calm down” your daughter is not going to become an alcoholic nor a drug addict. (not yet, anyway ;) )
but, at the same time, i felt nice. thanks mommy, i love you too. even though i’m too mentally dysfunctional to tell you in person like you deserve.
when i was in spain, amelie once told me during a regular wine night in our kitchen that i was like the sun. when i came into the room, i always came in with singing and smiles and dirty funny innuendos and stupid silly dancing and all that good positive feel shit. it was a huge compliment to hear that from her. i liked knowing that i brought a happy energy with me.
normally, i’d like to say that i’m that type of person, because, normally, i am. though, few people actually know that i have a not so fucking chipper side. this “i’m walking on sunshine” attitude is actually held up by a convoluted support beam constructed by years of uncontrolled pessimism and inconvenient clashes with reality. sometimes this beam cracks and my happy waves come sinking down into the crevices of sadness, boredom, and a bitter sass.
on a tangent now, being in iv has been a strange experience. comfortingly familiar and fun, yet also in an almost depressingly drab way. i’ve been running into many faces that i used to know. i’ve embarrassingly forgotten a lot of names even though they seem to remember mine, the sly bastards. it’s a odd realization because for a while it seemed to me like the only person that i wouldn’t know anymore is my ex-novio. but now, it’s like fuck. i hardly know anybody again. i feel like a freshman. (and i fucking look like one too…(don’t worry, i’ll be thankful for this is 20 years)). it’s not even just old faces flooding back. it’s old memories that i haven’t thought about for a while.
the other night, i was partying with my cousin who lives on dp. he happens to live at the place where i once sat on the stairs with my old best friend and our other friend while smoking. i remember this because one wanted to shotgun the smoke into our mouths but i wasn’t into it. but this was also the night that i was completely ignorant to the fact that those two friends had an intimate affair (which upon discovering later…well, let’s just say i was pretty fucking unhappy).
then, there are a few places that my body has been itching to visit, but i can’t yet bring myself to actually do it out of fear of more waves of old memories crashing over my head, potentially drowning my mood in an irrational mix of longing, lust, sadness, joy, acceptance, and anger. moreover, i’m somewhat scared to go alone because all these spots were special spots i used to share with my once best friend. part of me doesn’t feel right to go there without him because to me, they were in fact, ours. and even though were not even normal together anymore, the thought of sharing these spots with someone different sounds awful, as if i would be destroying the holy sanctity of those grounds. but i’ll probably end up going alone anyway because i get these moods sometimes where i do stupid things like isolate myself and think. i know this all doesn’t really make any sense.
please don’t misconstrue. this isn’t a rant about him. i guess it’s just hard to explain my feelings of my experience back at sb because practically my entire experience pre-spain included him from the very beginning. but i promise it’s not. i think i’m actually gaining progress on that front and i’m finally beginning to develop that sense of indifference that jasmine once told me she achieved. it’s not a type of hardcore resent, i don’t think. i just don’t have time for people who don’t want to be a part of my life. i think i just grew up a little bit while abroad and am trying to clear the bullshit from the quality. i don’t believe i will ever get the closure i crave, but at the very least eventually i’ll just staple that shit closed and let it scab up and scar a bit.
scars can be nice though. they remind me of who i am and what i’ve been through. and when i look at them and see that even though it bled a lot, it healed. plus, more scars, both physical and mental, kinda make me feel like a badass on occasion.
i guess that concludes my stream of consciousness for the night. it’s probably full of errors, too much profanity, not enough capitalization and all that jazz. but, if you give a shit, i do feel better now. tomorrow i’ll go blow off more steam at the gym. go for a run outside. something.